Codex Mikuensis
By Abril Plutonium as told to Thaddeus Melchizedek “Petunia” Bone as told to Charon Tres as told to Quaaz as told to Oh Kneeks as told to The Mole
Preface:
Sigma sigma on the wall, who’s the skibidest of them all, it is Moi Même, Pluto!1!1!!1 Hit book from Mentally Ill, LLC (cuz that’s how companies work). We are aiming to create the most incoherent book to merely be.
Letter from the Editor
Dear reader:
From all of us at Mentally Ill, LLC, we wish you Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas. (¡Y Feliz Halloween a usted tambien!)
As a Conservative American publisher, we are proud to offer this transgender shlock.
Regards,
Theophilus Eleazar “Maoist Miku” Davies
Fit the First
“Queen of the Slays”
“Yes I support LGBTQ! Liberty, God, Beer, Trump, and Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-tung,” America-Chan said, curtsying all the while.
“What in the sigma are you talking about?!” Karen Polewman said, spitting out her transgender beverage of estrogen “How could you love beer and Mao Tse-tung? Don’t you know that beer goes against the Mao Code of Ethics?” (Quote may be subject to hyperbole)
I, Theodore Jacob “Baba Booey” O’Donahue have been thoroughly dismayed at the lack of desussificafion efforts in Maoist Miku Land.
Why? You’ve never heard of Maoist Miku Land? Well—
[;MUSICAL NUMBER{:
Fit the Second
“Every Sixty Minutes in Miku Land, an Hour Passes”
It was a dark time in that chatroom where then, Pluto funbled on her alphabets, her ABCs if you will.
“how do I spell- “compilation” - is that right, “compilation?” I’m so smart” - Pluto, the hit sigma, that one time trying to spell wors im a proper manner.
In another instance, she was caught in the midst of the absolute roar of laughter when she originally simply said:
“Genuinely wanted that weight off my ches-..” - Pluto, The hit sigma.
Which was followed by the complete hilarious statement said by one of the fellow folk who was beside her at the moment:
“Wrong direction of trans, you’re supposed to want additional weight” - idk some random
The audiclence then ruepts in laughyer after hearing such a hilarious trans joke!- Har har!
I know I certainly do
I, Kamala (Harris?1??1) Joseph Trump gove four and five fifteenths (that’s one third for the europeans readers) of a sandwich cookie to this joke.
Kamala (hartis?1?) Joseph Trump was quite often mistaken for a certain politician. This made xem/xer sad because they didn’t even look like Geraldine Ferraro!
But one day KJT saw an advertisement.
“It’s a pillow! It’s a pet! It’s a pillow pet!”
She was hooked. She began salivating in front of “Der Television” as our friends in DutchLand say.
She then took a plane to Paris to purchase a Pillow Pet.
Then as she boarded the very real plane she saw that it was no other than Hatsune Fuxking Miku that was hxiahqksbdihwkdbckcnjs aka ckdkoqnskck piolet. In the moment of excitement KJT exclaimed
“NO WAY IS THAT HATSUNE MIKU FROM HIT SONG MIKU??11”
KJT left the train and as she walked along the pathway of the very real and sacred city of Paris, all around him was the disorientating language of the “Français” or maybe it was dutch idk-
But oh no there was someone ready to stop her—ENVER WOKESHA! With their pink hair, pronounces and many piercings, Enver Wokesha was formidable(citation needed) indeed. Alaska. As those two foujd eachother, the author(s) stopd back and found themselves puzzled even with the fact they knew they were writing pure incoherent text, nonetheless they worked frivolously— Alaska.
Tuesday
Fit the Third
“All That Is Solid Melts Into All That Is Liquid”
Midnight with the stars and you
Your eyes held a message tender
Saying "I surrender all my love to you"
Midnight brought us sweet romance
I know all my whole life through
I'll be remembering you, whatever else I do
Midnight with the stars and you (how do I change font marcus help me)
As I once famously said, if it aint mario then it’s luigi!!
[Editor’s note: the preceding line was written on November 1, 2024, over a month before a certain incident which made the name “Luigi” hit differently.]
Then Frederico Von Fazbear sat down and ordered linguini, saying “I need a BITE (turns and winks at camera) to eat!” 1987 then walks in shouting quite annoyingly.
“Heh.. Did I hear.. BITE?!” replied Enver Wokesha.
Before Enver Wokesha could attack, President Ronald Raygun shot him and saved the day.
The “yay” sfx from Fweddy plays as Mr. Prez shoots. Then KJT comes arriving back with Miku Airlines, crashing directly into the residence, killing Fredrico. America rushes out, crying “Noooo! My husbando😭😭⛓️⛓️🥀🥀🥀!”
Then KJT pats her on the shoulder and they begin passionately kissing. (I’M DYING OF LAUGHTER)
“Never mind,” said America.
America went to Mass the next day, not quite the same. After the steamy lesbian relations, something felt a bit off about her relationship both to the Church, and God. America had always been raised with traditional values, how did she allow this to occur?
“This liturgy(citation needed),” said Father Kayden, “Is brought to you by Raid: Shadow Legends, one of the biggest mobile role-playing games of 2019 and it's totally free! Currently almost 10 million users have joined Raid over the last six months. Enter promo-code MASS to save…”
He rambles on for the next while, America growing bored-
“Okay, actually this might be too blasphemous,” America said, “Mayhaps this sacrilege(citation needed) is my punishment for that icky-licky lesbianism!”
In a moment’s notice, everyone had gotten up, it was time for Fredrico’s funeral, truly a saddening loss.
“Hi folks!” Said Neptune, “Are you ready to put the FUN in funeral?!? Maybe, if you will, the fun in FNAF!! I can’t hear you!”
Neptune began blowing balloon animals. Then she brought in the cotton candy machine. However the crowd interpreted the cotton candy as a transgender thing and proceeded to stone her to death (WILD). The funeral party however lasted an additional 7 hours as they blasted nickelback’s cover of eatot throughout its entirety.
The next morning Neptune woke(this is a reference to wokeness) up and went to school but first she went to the ice cream parlor and ate a sundae with nuts as a reminder of the hurdles of transgenderism. She slowly picked the nuts out one by one (this is symbolism), sighingly loudly. The sighing attracting a ghost… Wait, is that, Frederico???1?1?1
“FREDERICO, could it be??” Neptune exclaimed in excitement.
“No,” Frederico replied, being dead.
“Oh.” Neptune looks down, looking upset as Fredrico’s ghost fades
“I’m not a ghost,” Frederico said, “I’m nothing. This is just your imagination. The real Frederico is burning in the fires of Milwaukee.”
Neptune was dejected.
“Ha(r) ha(r) ha(r), just kidding mah boi,” Frederico said, “I’m still alive in your heart.”
“Uhm EXCUSE ME,” Neptune cried, “THAT IS MISGENDERING the REAL FREDERICO wouldn’t MISS GENDER.”
(Cut to billboard of Frederico striking a pose with text saying “Misgendering is Har-Har-Horrible!”)
The illusion stops, Neptune is revealed to be schizophrenic.
(Neutral ending; 6/10) (you win!1!1!!1) click the link to get a free panera bread https://www.grabify.com/
Fit the Fourth
“Double you double you double you dot com”
“Erm what the epsilon!” - Alice maybe
1987 John Davis (see Fit the Third) was studying the Greek alphabet but upon further examination, he had seen something, something magnificent, something only true ALPHAS are able to understand. He had seen that the Greeks use a letter called Sigma..
1987, the great inquisitive they/them that he was, was astonished to say the least. How could this be? Why could this be?
1987 proceeded to cry, eat chocolate, and dress up in drag.
Just after 1987 had gotten on his thigh highs, the ghost of Fredrico appeared, now with lipstick. “WHAT the sigma. WHO the sigma. WHEN the sigma. WHERE the sigma. WHY the sigma.”
1987 looks at Fredrico, with a face of depression. He deeply sighs, “Yet, nobody ever asks HOW is the sigma…” He turns away, with a bottle of chocolate milk (this is a Chocolatsune Milku reference) in his hand, drinking is his only coping mechanism after Fredrico’s death, well that and the aforementioned dressing in cutesy skirts and thigh highs.
Frederico, being deeply moved from this information, hugs 1987 before fading…
Enter a mariachi band who sing a song taunting 1987 both about his connection to Frederico and his latent homosexuality. The mariachi band’s lead singer being Fredrico’s sworn rival, The Crisp, being a british lead singer or something.
Der süszi baka. KJT simply appears outta no where in 1987’s proximity, saying “I was born in a middle class family.”
“WHAT IN THE SUSSICUS AMUSSICUS?!?” 1987 shouts, throwing they/themself out the window.
de·fen·es·tra·tion
/dēˌfenəˈstrāSHən/
noun
the action of throwing someone out of a window.
"Death by defenestration has a venerable history."
Fit The Fifth
“Maoist Miku’s Monstrous Madness”
“And now, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for!
One, two, three
Ready?
Miku, Miku beam!”
[enter Revisionist Rin]
“Heh, Maoist Miku, you truly believe you can defeat me? Pathetic!!1!1!!11”
[The camera pans to Maoist Miku]
“Yuh huh i can”
[epicly cuts to Revisionist Rin]
A very epic fight scene ensues, it lasts three hours, pure epic fight being fought, yeah it’s cool and INSANE. You should’ve seen it. POW! WHACK! HACK! MACBOOK! Macbook? MAOIST MIKU WQATCH IOUy- Neptune swoops in, taking the hit for Maoist Miku < Maoist Miku swiftly coming to her rescue, however by the time she came, Neptune was cold..
“NO! NEPTUNE… NEPTUNE WAKE UO111!!” Maoist Miku cries in her trademark raspy voice, partially coughing from the strain. She looks back up, past the macbook. “YOU!” Pointing with pure rage at Revisionist Rin. “HOW DARE UUUUu” Miku (not to be confused with her much most successful cosjisn Hatsune darn tootin’ Miku) shouts. Rin (not to be confused with hit singer epic based sigma Rin Kagamine) stares at her with pure malice and mean spirited eyes.
[The camera pans out to reveal America-chan watching the whole scene, popcorn in hand, appalled]
Already destroyed by the incredible loss of her hit Husbando “ Frederico Von Fazbear”, she sheds a single tear. Neptune was one of many lives taken by Revisionist Rin. She must be stopped. However as a Catholic woman American-chan didn’t believe Rin should be killed (see Catechism of the Catholic Church #2267).
*Busts down neighbor’s door.*
“My house!” — Thaddeus Melchizedek “Petunia” Bone.
[The camera pans quickly back to Revisionist Rin]
Rin (Not to be confused with hit music artist Rin Kagamine) immediately begins to absolutely beat the heck out of Maoist Miku, it’s actually quite sad really-
“Erm, what the sigma!” said Maoist Miku (this is an Alice reference). Rin, finally in a fit of anger (grr grr) kicks Maoist Miku into a pot of boiling water. As Miku slowly descends into the water, she realizes her life’s mistakes, everything flashing before her eyes. Alas, in her last moments, she is happy. Finally, she leaves a final message: “I always come back” and final a thumbs up, swiftly descending into the boiling hot water. Never to be seen again. Revisionist Rin laughs hysterically and the camera zooms out, fading off…
Fit The Sixth
“Skibidi Skibidi hawk to you and you and you hawk skibidi king who gives out blumpkins, edgin’ and goonin’ and learning to munt! Drippy cheese all over my lunch! Skibidi skibidi hawk tuah hawk skibidi boom or skibidi doom, edgin and goonin in ohio square~ Stinky back shot air!”
“Good morning class,” said America-chan. “Have you tried Lunchl—(this is an eskibidi gamma reference)”
Her students proceeded to pull stones out of their backpacks. She ran.
“Boy I sure eskippitied their brains out!” cried America.
“Dese darn stoners, I tell ya!” she said while listening to hit, second song of the century (right behind skibidi skibi-) “thick of it” (sad emo remix) while eating her drippy cheese lunchly “I like my cheese mouldy brah!” she exclaimed. Her students shortly started running towards her (insert mr krabs running sfx) while throwing stones from their backpacks.
[camera ominously cuts] “2 hours later” a french voice said out of nowhere (is this a esponjebob refernece?2?1?) (no, this is patrick).
America-chan was later found unconscious in a dark alleyway. mmmmm macrowave making macking cheese in the michael(afton) wave.
“This is so not sigma” 1987 sighs emo-ly as he thinks of Fredrico, completely ignoring America-chan. “You’re a beta1!1!!1” yelled America-chan, 1987 being the nonchalant dreadhead he is, completely ignores her and walks off. Enter Mx Gender, a hit non binary alpha (not yet sigma) from somewhere in the applachaeon mountains. America-chan looks up to her mew (bai bai [mewing face]) saviour, Mx. Gender.
“Thank you!!! What is your name, O generous one…” America-chan inquires
“The name’s Gender…. title Mx… Mx. Gender” replied Mx Gender in a horribly deep southern american fake brtish accent-
Mx Gender grabs America-chan by the hand and pulls her back up onto her two feet… Finally… she reaches Sigma status (сигма). “erm… why so sigma?” asked Mx Gender. KJT comes out of nowhere, probably anarchisting around realizing the beta-alpha-sigma hierarchy being built. “This must be put to an end!” KJT believes. America-chan is stunned, recalling hur (har har har) last interaction between KJT. Mx Gender however has a BONE (sands undertail[look up undertail]) to pick with KJT. Antarctica.
Fit the Bloated Seventh
“Pluto, these sound like symptoms of ocd” — My therapist
“Nueva Hear Say, amirite? where even is that! Algeria?! No thank you! I’d rather go to Florida!” cried America-Chan
Suddenly, her woke second cousin in law twice removed once added, Californica-Tran appeared. “Well well well, look who’s enforcing cis-hetero-normativity(citation needed) here!”.
“Californica! How are you doing? I hope you’ve been recieving los Sacramentos (winks at camera)!(this is a cally referencia)”
“Foolish Amerykański(Karen reference?!)! You and your Catholicism! You know that religion is the opium of the people!” America-chan grew furious.
“Better my kind of opiate than the opiates people in your major cities use!” The camera zooms out to show they’re in Zutphen, gelderland, netherlands, thus not in paris, although, perchance in New Mexico, soon to be renovated as “Donald J. Trump presents…New America America, brought to you by Pringles, the snack that cringes back.”
Suddenly Meow Say Tongue busted down some moves “na noor” as our friends in the crack-head community say. “Stop right there!” Chairperson Meow crod. “This Californica is a REVISIONISTA! Read my new book!” Meow pulled out a book with the title “Socialism or Wokecialism?” (The “CIA” in “Wokecialism” being highlighted). REVISIONISTEQUIS?!? Californica, in absolute disbelief and disarray. How could their childhoof(horse??meow]) hero be a revisionista 😔. Heartbroken tjey run off. RIP Bozo, minus aura (aint no skibidi way schblorg just ran off 😭🙏)
Sad ending, 7.89/10
Bonus round!
One day, America 🦅🍔🍔🍔🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🔫🔫🔫🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅 answered the door to find Maoist Miku (niché musician always hidden in her boodge-waah cousin Hatsune’s shadow). “Can I help you?” America asked, dedicating to helping others like any good Catholic.
“Yo I’m playing ding-dong-ditch :3” Maoist Miku replied, “but I’m having trouble remembering the procedure.🤪🤙”
America pulled out her pink sparkly Kalashnikov rifle🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅 (photo for reference: 🔫).
“I know you won’t shoot, you witch! (it rhymes with her last line)[sorta outta character for maoist miku](she was under pressure, so it adds depth to the character or smth){character development}” Maoist Miku chuckled, “You’re a good Catholic, you believe that thou shalt not ki-“
America fired😆. “Abdolutely trolled!” thought America-chan
Moi coup Maoïste removed the nerf dart from her woke forehead. “Ha ha.” she said. “How mature.” Maoist Miku then loudly proclaimed to America-Chan, “Hmmph, youre not i citef to my birfday psryy!!!”. Quite devasting news, one could argue, perchance even depresding, (however this author is not “one” and ergo refuses to say it. A true sigma). For she had been anticipating this event for decades. She was, after all, born on Leap Day and would finally ge(rmany)t to turn 5. Finally she could play Hungry Hungry Hippos! The one advantage of this is that she would never be able to get a job (lszy commie! i hate dese darn wokes nowadays neva wantin to work. wibewaws I tell ya!) and get thereby maintained her “trad wife”, albeit un-married, lifestyle.
“Did someone call me a COMMIE?!?” America Cahn roared. “ I’ll have you know that, as a faithful Catholic, I can NOT be one! I am a DISTRIBUTIST!”
The author paused, erm what the sigma! How did she know I called her a commie… I bite on my nails… Is she watching me tyhpe this as we speak?1!1?1??1 She must be, thought the Fourth(loroe accurate) author. Senator McCarthy! You lied to me! this is quite the red scare! (winks at camera, theodore oso style)
“Wascally writer!!” Joseph McCarthy cried.
Enter Neptune. “Hey folks! How’s it slaying? Fortnite!”
“Not well, my dear Girlie-pop,” replied America, “not well.” a disappointing frown appeared on her face. bwomp :<.
“That’s okay,” Neptune said, “that’s okay! (is this a persistent repetion of phrases [echolalia, noun, what woke autists(crazy) do] reference? The caretaler?1?1?1)
Would you like to hear an amazing trans-femme(🥖, maybe we are in pari) sigma joke I made up?”
America began flipping through her Cathechism to see if there was a paragraph regarding such jokes.
Fin
Level up!!!!!!! +8372827272737 xp
Bonus lebel completa
“Whenever any Form of Gender becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Slay Queen to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Gender, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.” - America chan quotes the rightful Declaración de Independ-trans… a small distance clapping sound is heard, as if to applaud the very shitty jok- (this is some great readability*)
“The Europeans fail to understand the historical implicaciones, (?????)” said Michael A. Wokeington before perishing of death by chocolate, may he RIP mah boi. 😭😇🕊️🙏🍫🔥 (September 31, 1918-Bitetober 28.6, 1987) 1987 enters the room, a wave of grief ovacomes everyone. First Enver Wokesha, then Fredrico, now Big Mike?… :(. 1987 being a sole reminder of him </3. Te extraño Fredrico… Estabas muy importantísimos en nos vidas… (vertaalt naar “Ik mis je Fredrico... Je was heel belangrijk in ons leven…” )
Suddenly Frederico’s ghost returned, singing “doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo waah! It doesn’t matter what comes, fresh goes better in life. With Mentos fresh and full of life!”
Everyone paused. Neptune looking directly at the camera. “Aint no way they brought fredrico barack just to do an ad 😭🙏 .” She thought to herself
“Especially not before GTA VI!” Frederico added, mugging before the camera. Petition to add Fredrico von Fasbare (our original character, do not steal!) to fortnite like Miku! Applause, freeze frame, roll credits.
Fit the Eighth
“From Bloke to Woke: An Anamatronic’s Struggle with Gender”
“How in the woke sigma, the wigma if you will, is it slaying, girlies pop?” Titan asked with a grin in her Rio de Warsaw accent.
“Not too sigma </3,” Neptune replied, “not too sigma.” (persutent repition of frases ref)
“That’s neak,” Miku Maoïste croaked. “In speaking of bad news, because of international copyright and trademark law I can’t even be Maoist Miku anymore! I have to be Maoist Mina! I hate that cousin of mine!” “You’re just jealous that you’re not in fortnite…” Neptune hastily snapped back.
Mina’s eyes widened. “No! You can’t be serious!” Mina tried to feign anger and aggression but broke(bloke to woke) and began sobbing and ran upstairs to her room. Neptune hits a signature, “Fortnite!” Before the camera zooms out to the next scene.
“I love fort bite![those who know: 💀💀💀, much like still water]” Petunia said, trying to comfort Mina.
Mina replies, sobbing, in her signature, or perhaps sigma-ture if you will, raspy voice, “Oh please, Toonie, don’t try to flatter me! I know that my Fort Bite cameo is nowhere near as impressive as my cousin’s fort night cameo! She’s even in the game as a skin!” (heh… I guess you can day… Miku be cranking 90s)
“At the very least,” Petunia said, “the past two years of fort bite residuals paid for this month’s estrogen bill! That’s a slay, amirite!”
“No Petunia,” Mina said, “you are wrong. These dirty corporations ve stealin all hour money and estroghen, as hour pals in Nader-land say! I (kendrick{rodrick reference} reference???(banger song btw(only the album version))) haven’t been paid a darn dime! Oh… and I happen to have six… years of unpaid estrogen bills on my tab!”
“Six?!?” Petunia cried.
“…Teen,” Mina added.
“What. The. Esigmequis.” Petunia roared. “Also, you were three sixteen years ago!”
“I was an early adopter!” Mina said, winking at the camera.
“But your voice is so deep!” Petunia said, you couldn’t have been on e-“
Mina Maoïste woke up from the Petunia dream to find herself on her bunk bed with a tear-soaked pillow. It was all an illusion of her subconscious mind (except for the copyright part, that was actually true 😔💔🖤). Here in “la realidad” as Neptune would say, there was no estrogen. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 <- me when 0 e, not SKIBIDI (nibidi, if you will) toilet </3
“I wish I was a girl!” Mina crod
“You are, ma chère,” replied Kamala Joseph Trump. THE RETURN IS INSANE!! b
“I love you, KJT!” Mina said, embracing her. A leader like you will never betray me! “But KJT… I thought you were bidone…. Joever even!” creed Mina
“Nope 😎,” KJT smirked, “I’m here to arrest you for criminal anarquismo!”
“Whaaaaa?!” reageerde ze, verward en gechoqueerd. (<— deutsch real, trust)[NOOOOO ITS DUTCH](yeah! Deutsch!)[;-;] “Did somebody say Doitch-Land?”-air ick Hone ick er (what does this even mean??){tgats the point, its not supposed to be understoo-}(ooohh i see im smart n epic)
“Tú eres, hmm… how shall I put this, una Maoïsta. That is not allowed in the United Slaytes of Wokerica!”
“нет, Tovari-SHE! нет!”
KJT grinned. “Mina is a a Putin Puppet confirmed! (illuminati music here ) It’ll be easy to jail you! ¡Muajajajajajajajajajajajajajequis!”
ends on a cliffhanger
Tune in mext week for the season finale! Where youll see epic uh yeah!!!
Fit the Tenth
(seven ate nine{those whi know💀💀💀})
“What 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 sig👏🏻ma👏🏻?!” Maoist Mina roared. “This is the wrong fit!”
Fit the Ninth
“The Rectification”
“That’s better!” Maoist Mina grinned.
Fit the Tenth
“Back to Business”
“Wait, what?!?” Maoist Mina roared, spitting out her coffee. “You’re telling me Fit the Ninth was just a token?!?” She sighed. “Oh well.”
Mina picked up her newspaper (The Daily Worker) and kept reading. There was an odd headline: “Trump announces search for long-lost twin”. Mina read further. “President Donald Trump has announced his desire to be reunited with his long-lost twin brother, Didacus Thrasymachus Trump. Mr. Trump said he is willing to pay anyone with information on his brother’s whereabouts a reward of ten thousand dollars.”
Just then a lightbulb went on in Mina’s head: she remembered Kamala Joseph Trump speaking affectionately about a gentleman to whom she referred to as “Triumph”, KJT must be married to Didacus Trump! She jumped up in excitement, yelling out, with still a lightbulb above her head: “EUREKA!”
With that in mind, Mina telephoned the White House and told the operator she needed to speak with the President.
“Sorry, sir,” the operator replied, “the President is too busy to speak with private citizens.”
“Have you any idea who this is?” Mina cried.
The operator sighed. “No.”
“It is moi même, Mina Maoïste!”
Immediately, Mina heard Donald Trump on the other line saying “Hello?”
“Good morning, Mr. President!”
“Maoist Mik—Mina! How the hell are you?! I’m sorry to hear about that Hatsune stealing your name.”
“Oh yeah,” Maoist Miku chuckled, “that was messed up, smh my head.”
“Horrible Hatsune! That’s what I call her, Horrible Hatsune!”
“Very true, Mr. President, very true.”
“Anyway, Mina, what are you calling me about?”
“Well, Mr. President, I think I might know where your brother is: I know a woman—real deep state pawn—named Kamala Joseph Trump and I think she might be married to Didacus.”
The President laughed. “My brother? Married to a Kamala? Yeah right!”
Fit the Eleventh
“California Love, California knows how to party”
Mina, after taking her sweet bag from the Trump-Vance administration, decides on the big move… She’s heading for Beverly Hilz baby! The tourist slogan presenting itselfr as “The land where the hilz are very Beverly”. Maoist Mina gazed upon it whilst reading the same newspaper prior. She couldn’t believe she was moving there so soon! All thanks to hit US president, Donaldo Jota Trump. Always looking out for the underdogs. As Mina was packing up, she turned on the TV to have some background noise, the advertisements still taking advantage of Fredrico, even after death. She sighed. Immediately after, Pole or Nole started playing, hit game show from 1928, it was one of Mina’s favorites growing up. Suddenly, fucking 1987 bursts in, “WHAT IS UP GAMERS?1??1” Mina jumps, covering her ears— “MY WALL!” she cries. 1987 darn-tooting tores down more walls for no reason like wth smh dude, do you have no deference[citation needed] to die Deutsche Demokratische Republik? Anyhoodle, that’s neither here nor there. Our boi 1987 tells Mina, “So Mina, I hear you met with my brother today,” before winking at the camera.
“Your brother?” Mina asked. Suddenly she realized. “Are you—?”
“Didacus😭😭🙏🙏🥀🥀🌚🌚☠️☠️🌚💀🥭🥭🥭 Thrasymachus Trump. In the flesh!(rly loud airhorns play)” 1987 said, removing his mask to reveal a face just like Donald Trump’s except with a mustache and more beary facial features. Mina had enough of this and decided immediately that she’d leave to Beverly Hilz this exact instant— no like, right now, like right now right no—
*title card*
Fit the Twelveth
“Beverly Hilz das where I wana be, gimme gimme. Beverly Hilz das where I wana be, gimme gimme”
I fear I may be going mildly insane, as of right now. You know that feeing? Perchance. Heh, ofc someone like youy wouldnt understand, you're no pro. You're no... sigma! Also camera pans to Neptune I think she's dead- camera then also pans to a dead body rip lil bro (editors note: pltiu meant to insert some emojis here as to reference hit internet joke "rip lil bro😭����🙏��💔💔💔🥀🥀🥀🥀") pokes it uhhh guys... i think there's a body! Neptune then realizes omg! It's Maoista Mina! oh and that shes not dead, of coruse. "What are you doing in Beverly 'Ilz?" asked Neptune, hit actor from... uh, uhm er... Mina, being incredibly unconscious, doesn't wake up. Then hit band Weezer from Hit album Weezer, enters. "HOLY BOLOGNA(citation needed), are tyoy rivers cuymon?>?>??"
Weezer being the big band they are, ignore Neptune, the average civilian, and instead heads to grab Mina. Neptune mumbles under her breath, "ts pmo sm r u fr rn vro?🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀" Seething in clear anger. "sniffles I guess... never meet your heros is true...🥀🥀💔💔🖤🖤"
Fit the 13th
January, Friday 13th, 2005,feliz новый год
Revisionist Rin, in a state of utter despair(D-D-danganronpa) after Mina mogged her, decided that she needed to earn more rizz, to get a lethal face card, if you will, and some undestructable Aura. She thought that if she can't get an answer for "how to Miku Miku beam" she will get the answer to "why to Miku Miku beam", in other words; she decided to read some fucking Marx, and then a bit of Mao, like a true Сигма female. She needed to understand her enemy's power, to see it's weaknesses, to know how to lead to its end.
Upon opening her pear phone(pearto ref???!??) she tried to find the local library online to see whether or not they had the book she needed. Sadly, bozo didn't find SHIT and had to resort to an option that is far more rational than going outside and checking yourself (she's mysterious, auratious even) <-- or so she convinced herself as she quaked in her boots, sitting in a 5k$, 10 m × 10 m (42.0²footjobs for the Americans) NY apartment, somewhere in San Francisco, Mexico.
Revisionist Rin realized that instead of spending 5k on an apartment that is the size of 7 estrogen filled vodkas, she could spend it to travel,and if she couldn't get the book from a local library, she'd have to get one from the birthplace of her greatest opp; Maoist Mina. So there she was, standing on the soil of the great Novaya djorsi, searching for a library, but seeing only fields and dead grass. "Vhere da сигма am I, chat? "
[.. ]
As she walked through trees, highways and empty land, she came across a bear, staring at her with eyes filled with a mix of bloodlust and fear. As any rational person would, she immediately yelled" НУ ДАВАЙ БЛЯТЬ, ИДИ СЮДА ПАРЕНЬ! "
And whipped out her lemon-honey tea thermos, her vodka, and of course, bread with a container of mixed Селёдка в шубе(google search required) . Surprisingly, the bear(oso... osso, heh Te hueso ref!) took her offer and led her to a tree trunk where they could share such a delicious snack.
After a couple shots of vodka, the weary bear spoke.
-Do ya have any kids, my friend
-Nyet, vould love to, but I fear I won't ever be able to do so vith my love
-That's a shame.. Ya kno, I had a son once.. Said the bear, keeping her tone firm, despite her sadness
- Really? I hope you don't mind me asking but, vhat happened to heem?
-His name was Frederico.. He was always good with everyone, and kids loved him. He would always come home with the biggest smile, shared the sweetest stories and even made billboards spreading kindness..
-Vow.. Zhat is a vonderfool kind of person.. I vish we had this kindness in da moderland..
-Ya.. He was one in gazillion..
-So vhat happened? Did he become a pedopheel or somesing?
-Oh god no! My Freddy(hor hor hor hor) would never! Unfortunately though, he died. His whore of a wife didn't even visit his grave at first, because she was busy kissing women!
-That must've been tough(tuff referencia?//?/?)... I'm sorry for your loss, miss.
-It's fine. I have you here with me after all, my frien
-Sank you dear!
-wrong animal. Anyway, what brings you here, young lady?
-I need to figure out my... Friend's feelings and she makes it hard to ask her. I need to read her Bible to understand vhat she vorsheeps.
-I see.. I see.. So how can I help?
-can you take me to the closest library? Or at least show me vhere.
-Ya sure of course!
Rin then struck a deal with the mourning mother that she will bring her that fishy mess of a salad every day that she's in the eastern state. She felt bad that she'd be there for just a few days, so she shared a couple bottles of vodka with her newfound friend.
[... ]
La revisionista took a deep breath, expecting to open a chest of knowledge about her enemy's thoughts and actions once she flipped through the pages of The Communist Manifesto.
She put one finger at the front of the book... One finger under the first few pages.. Put her eyes upon the first sentences and realized something shocking.. Something repulsive.. Something she would've never even considered...
... She's dyslexic as fuck and can't understand english.
How could it be?? Ever since she was a child, she read both Russian and English! She basically lived in English, yet she couldn't understand a single word in that damned book!
How will she ever reach greatness? How will she ever beat Mina? What will she live for?
Fit the Fourteenth